Podcast Episode 31: Real Intimacy No One Talks About

Real intimacy isn’t just about feeling close or being ‘on the same page.’ It happens when one partner opens up about what they truly want—something real, something vulnerable—and the other meets it with curiosity, not judgment. This kind of connection isn’t luck or magic—it’s a process. There’s a roadmap to reaching this level of connection, and today, I’m sharing it with you. Grab a notebook or plan to come back to this episode, because once you learn how this works, it changes everything.

We Talk About:

The Hidden Roadmap to Intimacy:

• Why real intimacy is about being vulnerable and being met with curiosity.

• How to create emotional safety in your relationship.

Why Most Couples Feel Stuck:

• Are you or your partner passive or avoidant?

• Do you compete instead of collaborating?

• Do you feel like you never spend quality time together?

• Want to know how to create lasting relationship growth.

The Stages of Relationships:

• The target to aim for in every relationship.

  1. Differentiation Stage: How to maintain individuality while staying connected.

  2. How to be truly understood by your partner.

Relationship Challenges When Stages Go Off-Track:

• Symbiosis-Only Couples: Avoid conflict but lose individuality.

• Hostile-Dependent Couples: Fight but can’t separate.

• Conflict-Avoidant Couples: Bury issues until resentment builds.

Diagnosing Your Relationship:

1. Reflecting on Your Early Relationship:

• Was your relationship fun and exciting in the beginning?

• Did you feel connected, compatible, and supported?

Why This Matters:

• If yes, you likely had a strong honeymoon stage, which can motivate you now.

• If not, rebuilding may require deeper work.

2. Are You Stuck in a Cycle?

Avoidant Dynamics – The “I’m Fine Alone” Couple:

• Does one of you act like you don’t need much from the other?

• Are decisions made solo to avoid feeling controlled?

• Does someone act more like they’re single than in a relationship?

What’s Happening: Avoidant partners fear dependence and often distance themselves emotionally. Their past experiences might have taught them that needing others leads to rejection or hurt.

Example: One partner resists their partner’s idea for a solo trip, responding: “You’ll get lost or something bad will happen—you’ll regret it.” It’s not about the trip—it’s about fear of being abandoned.

Hostile-Dependent Dynamics – The “Can’t Live With or Without You” Couple:

• Do your arguments feel like competitions where only one person wins?

• Do you often blame or criticize each other?

• Are your fights intense and seem to come out of nowhere?

What’s Happening: Hostile-dependent couples crave closeness but fear vulnerability. Their fights are often about deeper fears of rejection that surface during everyday struggles.

Example: A partner might yell, “You never appreciate what I do around here!” after a fight about chores. It’s really about feeling invisible or unvalued.

3. Are You Blocking Emotional Growth?

Ask Yourself:

• Do you struggle to let your partner want or think differently from you?

• Do you assume if they disagree, they don’t care?

• Do you say “we” instead of “I” to avoid conflict?

Breaking the Cycle: Practical Steps

1. Tolerate the Anxiety of Difference:

   • Can you sit with the discomfort of your partner wanting or doing something you don’t like—without jumping to blame or control?

2. Own Your Experience:

   • Use “I” statements like: “I feel [specific emotion] when [specific situation]” instead of accusations.

3. Be Curious, Not Critical:

   • Ask yourself, “Why might they want this?” instead of assuming bad intentions.

4. Challenge the Need for Control:

   • Understand that your partner’s independence isn’t a threat—it can create a healthier, deeper connection.

The Bottom Line:

When you can listen without shutting down, losing control, or withdrawing, your relationship will become more intimate—even when you have major differences like parenting styles, politics, or how you spend your time.

What I Suggest:

• Review the questions I’ve posed.

• Do some journaling and self-reflection.

• Consider the benefits of allowing space for differences.

Don’t Miss This! Bookmark this episode and leave a comment—you’ll want to come back and review these steps again.