Podcast 30: Why Is It So Hard to Create Change in a Relationship?

Wondering how to get your partner to listen, be more present, or show more appreciation? You’re not alone. Creating meaningful change in a relationship can feel frustrating, especially when it seems like your partner isn’t meeting your needs. In this episode, Jessica unpacks why change is so hard, what drives your partner’s behavior, and how to influence change—even if they aren’t ready to start with you. Learn practical, actionable steps to improve your relationship, get your partner to communicate better, and build deeper emotional connection. Ready to make progress, even if it feels like you’re the only one trying? Listen now!

The 3 Pillars of Relationship Change:

• Attachment:
  • Explore your attachment style. How do your past experiences shape how you connect with your partner today?
• Self-Regulation:
  • Are you able to stay engaged during tough conversations, or do you shut down or get defensive? Learning to manage your emotions is essential for lasting change.
• Relationship Maturity:
  • This pillar encompasses both attachment and self-regulation but also goes deeper:
    • Recognize Separateness Without Disconnecting: Understand that both you and your partner have individual desires and motivations.
    • See Both Perspectives: It’s easy to focus on your needs while overlooking your partner's perspective. True relationship maturity involves balancing both.

 

Why Change Is Hard:

• Change doesn’t happen overnight; it requires repeated effort and small, consistent steps.
• Understanding how decisions are made helps in creating supportive change.

 

How We Weigh Our Options (Based on Janis and Mann’s Decision-Making Theory):

When faced with difficult relationship decisions, we instinctively evaluate:

• The Consequences:
  “What will happen if I do this? Will it make things better or worse?”
  Example: If you tell your partner you’re upset, will they listen or get defensive?
• The Risks:
  “Could this backfire? Will I regret it later?”
  Example: If you admit you were wrong, will your partner respect your honesty—or hold it against you?
• The Benefits:
  “What’s the best possible outcome if I speak up?”
  Example: If you calmly express your feelings, you might feel closer and better understood.
• The Effort Required:
  “How hard will this be for me?”
  Example: If you’ve avoided difficult conversations in the past, starting one might feel exhausting or even impossible.

 

Steps of Developmental Change in a Relationship:

• Deciding to Change:
  • Recognize a specific area where you want to improve, like reacting less defensively when criticized.
• Making the First Attempt:
  • Try a new approach during a tense moment, even if it feels awkward.
• Trying Again, Imperfectly:
  • If your first attempt doesn’t go as planned, try again with more clarity and intention.
• Refining the Response:
  • Practice responses like: “I’m hurt and need a moment to calm down, but I want to come back and talk when I’m ready.”
• Dealing with Setbacks:
  • Use setbacks as learning opportunities rather than seeing them as failures.
• Building New Relational Capacity:
  • Each time you choose a healthier response, you strengthen your emotional regulation and your ability to connect—even during conflict.

 

Three Questions to Reflect On:

• What are you contributing to the health of the relationship?
• What are the good things about your partner that you might be overlooking?
• Are you giving your partner the same things you are asking them to give to you?

 

Jessica emphasizes that while it’s tempting to wait for your partner to change, true relationship transformation starts with yourself. Small steps build momentum, helping you create the kind of relationship you want—one thoughtful action at a time.

🎧 Listen now and take the first step toward real change!